


Rub a Dub Dub a Dead Assassin in a Tub

by MistyBeethoven



Series: Strange Couchfellows [17]
Category: John Wick (Movies)
Genre: Assassins & Hitmen, Bathtubs, Clickbait, Comedy, Digging, Eulogies, Funerals, Gen, Keanu Reeves Quote, Peverted Saleswomen, Plots, Robin Lord Taylor character, Stuck In A Hole, Surprises, Telegrams, disguises, holes - Freeform, just kind of stupid
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-28
Updated: 2019-06-28
Packaged: 2020-05-20 19:04:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19382881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: John Wick and the Administrator hold a makeshift funeral service.





	Rub a Dub Dub a Dead Assassin in a Tub

**Author's Note:**

> The seventeenth in a time diverting and admittedly stupid series.
> 
> A sequel to "Anniversary Blowout."
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/19357939

After the incident where the TV had blown up along with the bathtub, the Administrator and John Wick had gone shopping for a new one of each. Some of the owners of the stores where they had gone shopping for a tub had been upset when Wick had requested to try each one out for himself.

Some of the owners hadn't minded at all.

That the latter of these were usually all women did not surprise the Administrator in the least. What did suprise him was the fact that some of them wanted him to get into the tub with John so that they could try it out together to make sure that they both fit.

Apparently they assumed that they took baths together quite frequently and were enjoyed at the prospect of watching them.

The pencil pusher had fled from such stores with great speed.

What surprised the Administrator even more, however, was the day following his anniversary party with Wick when he drew back the shower curtain to find a dead assassin/telegram girl lying in the tub.

He knew how the body had come to be placed in the tub fine enough: she had appeared the day before, sang a horrible rendition of "Happy Anniversary" and been shot by John when she had attempted to kill them. She had subsequently been thrown into the tub until they could contact a man named Charlie who made it a business of disposing of inconvenient corpses. The men had drawn the curtain on the not so dearly departed so as not to feel like perverts when they used the washroom and to give themselves a little privacy, as well.

The Administrator had assumed that while he had been at work the matter would have been taken care of and the girl would be gone.

She wasn't.

"John," the High Table worker had called out.

"Yes?" the assassin called back.

"Can you help me out with something?"

"If you're in the bathroom no. I told you to drink more prune juice."

The Administrator scowled. "No!"

"Well it's your own fault for not checking to see if there was a roll in there first."

" _NO_!" the pencil pusher yelled. "I want to know why the telegram girl is still in our bathtub. She's gonna make the red rim worse."

"Charlie is on vacation," John Wick called back. "They're not handling any new cases until he gets back."

The Administrator sighed and marched out to the living room. John Wick was on the sofa; his dog was sitting next to him. They looked like a teenage couple out on their first date.

"What are we supposed to do with her until then?" the High Table employee queried. "She'll start to smell."

Wick contemplated it for a moment. "I suppose we could give her a decent burial ourselves."

It seemed as good a plan as any. In the bureaucrat's mind Charlie had always charged too much anyway.

Wick insisted they search for clues on who the stranger had been so they could notify the next of kin. The bureaucrat thought it was a bad idea seeing as though any relatives would be pissed off unless they were handsomely included in the will. Still he acquiesced since the hitman kept insisting and it was getting annoying.

The Administrator surfed the dark corners of the internet for information on who the assassin was, momentarily getting sidetracked with clickbait concerning cute animals, but came out just as ignorant as before. Wick joined him in the bathroom and they searched the body for some subtle clue they had missed before.

The pencil pusher, who had gotten tails in the coin toss, found one first.

"Unh John?"

"Yes."

"This is a..."

Wick turned his attention to the Administrator's discovery. "Reminds me of Daisy," the hitman said.

His companion waited for further elaboration that never came.

"That would explain the deep singing voice. They had great legs, don't you think?" Wick commented a few seconds later.

"Great!" the pencil pusher frantically whined. "You killed a transgendered hitman, John! The human rights activists will be beating up the High Table to get to us first!'

"I didn't know that! I thought it was your average run-of-the-mill assassin. Don't worry. Once we explain that we're two men living together in an ambiguous relationship it will be okay. I'm sure Mrs. Milner would back us up," Wick tried to calm him down.

Mrs. Milner was the lady who lived in the apartment underneath them. She was convinced the two men were lovers.

"Wait. Maybe they were just in disguise and they _weren't_ transgendered," the Administrator said, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths.

"It would be a shame if they weren't with those legs," John Wick said admiringly.

The Administrator returned wearily to his computer to spend another three hours in search. He returned still with no new information on the hit person.

"Did you check for keyword: nice legs?" John Wick asked trying to help.

* * *

They rented a car and took the body out to a secluded area to bury.

They spent most of their time digging a hole. Wick insisted it be 6" exactly and used his height minus an inch as a guideline. While the assassin had no difficulty climbing out the bureaucrat struggled until his roommate offered him a hand and pulled him up.

"You really worked yourself into a hole there," the hitman joked.

"My foot will work its way into yours if you're not careful," the Administrator threatened. "Be thankful I don't wear heels."

"If you did you may not have needed help getting out of the hole," the assassin theorized. He stopped and started to study the other man's legs. "Have you ever thought about..."

"No," the Administrator stopped him before he went there.

They dragged the corpse of the sexy legged assassin from the car trunk to the hole, threw them into the plot and covered it with dirt.

The Administrator was walking away when Wick grabbed his arm.

"Wait! We have to say something," John Wick stated.

"What do you suggest?" the bureaucrat smirked. "We barely know them. That they were a lousy singer?"

"It doesn't have to be much. Something all inclusive because we don't know their beliefs."

John Wick and the Administrator stood side by side, their hands reverently clasped in front of them. The pencil pusher sighed and rolled his eyes before he began.

"Here we lay your body to rest you nameless motherfucker. Maybe you aren't anywhere but you'd probably be in Hell if you were because you tried to kill us. And if you're a cockroach I hope you come back to the apartment so John can kill you again because I hate you and I'm not sorry you're dead. Amen. Or Awoman. Whatever you knew in your heart that you were."

The shorter man turned to his companion. "Now can we get the hell out of here?"

John Wick nodded.

* * *

The two men were quiet on the ride back to the apartment. The burial of the unknown assassin, playing through their minds, neither of them wishing for a similar fate.

"So what do you think happens when we die?" the Administrator asked John Wick as he stared out the window.

"I know that the ones who love us will miss us," the hitman stated.

The High Table servant was too scared to tell the assassin he'd miss him very much and hoped he felt the same way about him.

* * *

When they reached home and were watching TV, John Wick suddenly turned to his companion during a commercial break, "When I die I'd like you to officiate the ceremony."

"It makes sense," the Administrator stated sourly. "I've certainly wanted to kill you enough."

"Just do me a favor," Wick asked without looking at him. "Leave all that stuff out about not being anywhere, Hell or cockroaches; just say that you'll miss me. Even if it's a lie. I want somebody to miss me when I'm gone."

The Administrator nodded. If John Wick ever died it would probably be all that he could think of doing.

* * *

That night one of the now buried telegram assassin's loved ones broke into the apartment and aimed a gun at John Wick, who had been asleep on the sofa.

"Hello John Wick," the assassin greeted.

John was instantly made aware of the fact that one minute you could be nude in a supermarket and the next you could find an assassin with a gun aimed at your bed headed face. He was also instantly grateful to the man for having woken him up; he always hated that dream.

"Who are you?" Wick asked curious.

"I'm the brother of the man you killed the other day."

"So it was a man? They _weren't_   transgendered?"

"No," the stranger hissed.

"Good," John nodded. "We were worried there for a while. Except, if I'm being honest, it was a waste with those legs."

"Mother used to say that too," the vengeful hitman confessed.

"Is she alive?" John Wick asked.

"No."

John was sorry for the man but grateful also; he would have hated not to have invited her to her son's funeral.

As the assassin started on a long speech about brotherly love and how he was about to get revenge for the family name, him being the sole member left, Wick wondered why villians always saw fit to ramble on to their intended victims; it only gave them time to escape or to be saved.

This was the imminent case as John saw the Administrator creeping up on the hitman; a revolver aimed at the back of the stranger's head.

The bureaucrat apparently did not desire to miss John Wick so soon.

"So what type of burial service would you like?" John Wick asked the confused stranger as the Administrator pulled the trigger.

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this happened when I thought of John and the Administrator holding a funeral service for somebody who had tried to kill them. I then thought that I could use the telegram assassin from the previous entry. Then I had a flash of them making a certain discovery about the dead person. I only hope that I handled it well and that it doesn't offend anybody. I'd never ever want to do that to anybody! If I have please forgive me!
> 
> John's answer about what happens when we die is Keanu Reeves' one from the Stephen Colbert show. Sweet answer Keanu. Since the question of death was running throughout this one I thought I would include it here as a nod to the man who helps make John Wick such a great character. :)


End file.
